How to Have a Successful Marriage, According to a Divorce Lawyer
This entire year I’ve dedicated to reading as many books about marriage as I can. I want perspective. I want to understand why it works. Why it doesn’t work. What keeps couples together (and in love) for decades? What separates couples the most?
My latest read is If You’re In My Office It’s Already Too Late, A Divorce Lawyer's Guide to Staying Together by James J. Sexton, Esq.
James is brutally honest about marriage (he still believes in marriage, despite the INSANE and unimaginable divorces he's handled) and what he thinks couples need to do to keep their marriages together. This book has been both uncomfortable and eye-opening. It turns out, he has a lot of practical advice— mostly to do with communication and boundaries.
He emphasizes over and over, the importance of sharing honestly and openly with one another, addressing conflict in the present, not letting it build up over time.
He asks tough questions— like, Have you thought about what it will be like to be married to this person when you are sixty— have you thought about it as much as you would think about buying a new car— the ONLY car you get to drive for the rest of your life? How willing are you to take care of this person if something terrible happens to them? What if they change and what if you change— what then? What does it look like to be honest with this person? Are you willing to put in the work when things get tough? Will you still be their teammate when they mess up socially, vocationally, financially?
Personally, I’m a big advocate of spouses understanding how to support and love one another as they grow and change through the years. So is Sexton…
"My clients often try to explain to me why they feel what they feel, or why they did what they did. I appreciate that desire. But having listened to people attempt to explain away the stupid things they've done, I observe that many of our acts and feelings are inexplicable even to us, never mind to a judge. Maybe that's part of what complicates our staying connected to another person. If it's hard to navigate ourselves or explain ourselves to ourselves, how can we expect to do it for another person? Or expect them to do it for us? Yet without that explanation, it's even more difficult to maintain connection, particularly in a world where there's so much stuff (temptation, distraction) creating disconnection.”
After reading this book, I’m understanding that there’s a lot of work in getting divorced (there are definitely peaceful and mutual divorces— but those are rare— Most of the divorces he’s been a lawyer for look a bit like A Marriage Story on Netflix— nice couple, brutal and debilitating divorce). He lays out all of the unexpected hurt couples go through. He also lays out some benefits of divorce he experienced as a divorced man, himself. I'm finding there's a lot of taking sides and defending or justifying our own messes and mistakes. I’m finding you can make it work, but it’s gutting to get there.
Personally (as in, in my own story and experience), after our two year marriage mark, I felt like I understood on a deeper level why people get divorced. Marriage just wasn’t what I expected and there was a lot of hurt and conflict I didn’t know how to work out with Brett quite yet. But when we got married, I resolved to work on our conflict and hurt, no matter what. So did Brett. So we’ve had help along the way to figure out how to do that. Counseling, Community, Other married couples checking in on us, friends willing to ask hard questions or invasive questions that don’t let us bull shit how we really are.
I never did and don’t see divorce as an option for us ever (part of my resolve is highly impacted by our faith, a whole other topic for a whole other time). But two years into marriage I felt like I finally understood how it’s easy to feel against your spouse— so much so, you don’t want them to be your spouse anymore—- that there are new and better freedoms outside of marriage. Personally (once again, based on my experience), I’m glad I decided to not focus on those separate freedoms, but to work to find freedom, communication, and restoration in our marriage together— to find the freedom in being married and staying married.
I would recommend this book. As always, with everything you read, read it critically and with a grain of salt.
