Marriage | Questions and Phrases We Try To Communicate to One Another When We Are Angry
Okay, firstly, Brett looks better in my Gigi Pip hat than I do. And, I love when we are goofy during our photoshoots.
In my last post I talked about how much I struggled with anger the first few. years of our marriage. Based off of what we learned about my anger outbursts at the beginning of our marriage, we learned A LOT about how to start communicating with one another.
Here are a few phrases and questions we have learned to communicate to one another that might be helpful to you in your relationships or marriage when dealing with anger (potentially very helpful if you are married to an enneagram 9):
1. “Is [fill in the blank] really what you are upset about, or is it someting else?” Sometimes we think we’re upset about one thing, when it’s really someting else (or many something elses).
2. Brett and I think it’s important to recognize we can’t read each other’s minds—can anyone? So sometimes we just have to get direct, “Are you frustrated? What about?”
3. It can feel easy to sit in and throw pity parties when we errupt at our spouse and get angry. Something we are both learning is the importance of acknowledging our anger, apologizing and forgiving, and agreeing it happened /we can move on with the rest of our day not having to beat ourselves up about it. Whenver Brett and I have a miscommunication that leads to a conflict, we literally sing the word “miscommunication” together (like we’re on sesame street or something). Singing the word in a silly way, helps us acknowledge we had a miscommunication, it doesn’t define our relationship, and that it’s okay to move on.
4. We constantly have to revisit how we handle conflict because we still aren’t great at handling it. Esepecially what I’m about to write next: It’s always worth assuming the best of one another. We are on the same team! We revisit this idea a lot. If I’m upset with you, I should assume you are unaware your actions are hurting me. As in, my spouse or friend isn’t doing what they are doing to intentionally hurt me. The simpler we make our conversations about hurt, the better they tend to go: We communicate not to accuse one another.
“Can we talk about something that’s bothering me?” or “I’m feeling this way about what you are doing and here’s why, can we figure out a solution together?” It sounds stupidly formal, but it leads straight to the point.
5. Bringing up conflict doesn’t mean we are bringing up every little thing from this week. And it doesn’t mean it has to be a long conversation. This past week, I had left the bathroom counter littered with lots of clothes, makeup, and hair styling tools. Brett asked me if I could have it cleaned up by a certain day because it was overwhelming him. I said yes. I didn’t spiral into believing I had ruined his week. I didn’t point fingers at how messy his area of our room is. I acknowledged his feelings and he gave me time to clean up. He didn’t overwhelm me or stress me out by asking me to clean it up immediately and he didn’t mention how often I leave the bathroom full of clothes and makeup. He just let me know where he was at and what would help him feel less chaotic.
6. Having a willingness to communicate is important. Whenever Brett approaches me about something he’s hurt by, I have to quiet my heart before he speaks. I have to tell my reaction-quick self to listen to what he’s saying and consider how my actions have hurt him. Pausing to listen and reflect has helped immensely. It makes me MUCH less quick to point fingers back at Brett. It makes me consider how prideful I am. It makes me quick to apologize and move forward. I’ve learned how to have a willingness to communicate from Brett, and I’m grateful he has shown me how to gently approach one another when it comes to conflict.
If you are really struggling to understand one another’s erupting anger (or maybe your relationship is more like ours and only one of you tends to erupt in anger), take that ish to a third party (a trusted mentor, friend, or wonderful therapist/counselor), to help give you both perspective. I would have benefited SO much from someone helping me understand the “Why” behind my anger WAY earlier in our marriage.
What are some communication methods that have become essential for helping you with anger or conflict?